


(I’m Not) A Real Man

by mourntheantagonist



Series: Billy Hargrove’s Exploration of Beauty [4]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff and Angst, Gay Billy Hargrove, Gender Identity, Gender Non-Conforming Billy Hargrove, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, Period-Typical Sexism, Toxic Masculinity, Validation, self-indulgent as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28708110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mourntheantagonist/pseuds/mourntheantagonist
Summary: He doesn’t know why he says it. It wasn’t prompted in the slightest. But the thought had been rattling inside his head for weeks and it just slipped out.“It’s a good thing you like both, I guess.”(should be read as part of the series)
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Series: Billy Hargrove’s Exploration of Beauty [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096136
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79





	(I’m Not) A Real Man

He doesn’t know why he says it. It wasn’t prompted in the slightest. But the thought had been rattling inside in his head for weeks and it just slipped out. 

“It’s a good thing you like both, I guess.”

It’s been on his mind ever since the panties. Ever since the three pairs turned into ten. Ever since his once bare and unmanicured fingernails were gently held in Steve’s hands and coated in a clear polish. Ever since he upgraded from clear to nude, and from nude to a deep blue.

“It matches your eyes.” He’d said. Quietly under his breath with a smile pulling at the sides of his mouth. Both boy’s cheeks twinning with the same red tint. Sure he removed it before he left the safety of Steve’s house, but it was nice while it lasted. 

Ever since Steve had made it a point to call Billy beautiful at least once a day. Peppered in with every greeting and every goodbye. “Hey, beautiful,” and “see you tomorrow, beautiful.” Occasionally interchanged with “gorgeous” and the rare and teasing “pretty boy.” 

He could not wrap his head around it. How Steve was just okay with it. Understanding. Supportive, even. He figured it  _ must _ have something to do with him liking women, too. He was attracted to femininity, so it must make it okay. Steve was getting the best of both worlds, right?

So he said it. The two of them sitting on his couch watching Saturday Night Live, slowly working their way through a large pepperoni pizza. Sitting at opposite ends of the couch with their feet propped up and their legs intertwining. As much as he loves to be all wrapped up in Steve, he loved that position. Getting the best seat in the house to watch as Steve’s nose scrunches and his eyes crinkle when he laughs. 

Steve wasn’t laughing now.

“What are you talking about?” He’s understandably confused.

Billy shifts. Brushes his foot up against the hair of Steve’s calf. Picking at the purple nail polish on his fingers as he tries to come up with a way to phrase what he wants to say. He’d been getting better at talking about it, at least a little bit. Opening up to Steve how he sometimes feels trapped in his clothes. How he wishes he could do more. How he wishes the nail polish could stay on. But it got more difficult when he stopped talking about the physical. The clothing and the polish he can talk about, but getting specific about how it makes him feel inside? What it all means for him? He hardly even knows the answer himself.

“Just with you know, all the girly shit. It’s good you, y’know, like girls too.”

Steve is just staring at him. Eyebrows furrowed. He shakes his head.

“You’ve lost me.”

Billy’s biting the inside of his cheek, trying to come up with a better way to word it. A way Steve will understand.

“The nail polish, and the uh, the other stuff,” he waves his hand in the air, the word ‘panties’ always feeling like a slur on his tongue, “I wouldn’t exactly call that manly.”

Steve’s eyes narrow, squinting. Like he’s unsure of what he’s looking at. 

“Are you saying you don’t feel like a man?” Steve is straight-faced. He’s asked one question, but suddenly Billy feels like he’s being interrogated. And he’s getting defensive. Even if he’s not being attacked. Even if he’s unsure of what he’s guarding.

“Well there’s certainly nothing manly about wearing pink lace panties Steve.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

And Billy is silent. They’re both silent. And it’s deafening. The words out of Steve’s mouth just hand there in the air, suspended and never to be caught.

“Forget the fucking macho masculine bullshit. Do you, Billy Hargrove, feel like a man?”

“Well I’m definitely not a  _ woman _ , Steve.”

“Answer the question.”

He can’t answer. Stunned by Steve’s sudden change of tone. He sounds angry. Not angry at Billy, but angry about something else. 

“Answer the question, Billy.” He’s determined.

“No! not a  _ real _ one.”

And now it’s out there. It’s out there and he can see the cogs turning in Steve’s brain as he tries to decipher the meaning behind Billy’s words. His mood however, doesn’t change. 

Steve is thinking. Thinking about all the things that had been ruled by society and surely had been ingrained into Billy.  _ Real _ men don’t cry.  _ Real _ men don’t back down from a fight.  _ Real _ men don’t wear pink.  _ Real _ men don’t sleep with other men. Steve is guilty of having fallen into this mindset before. But it’s plain as day that it’s all wrong. It’s all just a bunch of bullshit. 

“Does using the Farrah Fawcett Hairspray make me less of a man?” 

“No, but the fumes are definitely doing something.”

“Shut up, it’s quality shit Mr. Aqua Net.” Steve takes in a deep breath. “Does me liking men make me less of a man?”

Billy’s eyes quickly shoot down to his lap. Staring at his hands as he chips away at the last remaining marks of polish on his nails. Treating it like an hourglass. Treating it like his armor. Times up. It’s all gone. You’re exposed. It’s time to face the music. 

“No.” It’s soft. He says it like a confession. A confession to himself. Like he’s not saying it to Steve, but fighting against the voice in his head that says the opposite. 

But it’s Steve, so it doesn’t apply here. Just to himself.

“Then why is it different for you? Why should my bisexuality have anything to do with it?”

“You don’t understand, Steve. It’s different for me!”

Steve just shakes his head and laughs. Not a laugh of humor. He looks mad. Bewildered.

“I understand perfectly fine Billy! It’s  _ you _ who’s not fucking getting it!” He stands up from where he was seated. Now pacing across the room, shutting off the television in the process so he has Billy’s undivided attention.

Steve’s head looks like it’s about to explode and it’s freaking Billy out. 

“Nobody else gets to decide who  _ you _ are Billy! You are whoever  _ you  _ say you are! There’s no such thing as a fake man. The things you like don’t change that. I  _ need  _ you to believe that Billy!” He’s almost screaming. His voice echoes through the empty halls of his house. Billy just lies there speechless. 

Steve walks closer to Billy after letting out a heavy breath. A desperate release of anger because he doesn’t like yelling at Billy. He kneels in front of him on the couch. Taking a hand in his and looks Billy straight in the eyes. Deep into his soul.

“I understand needing to take things slow. That’s okay. But if you’re holding back because you think I won’t still see you as a man, then I’m sorry, I won’t be patient with you about that. I won’t tolerate that. Because it’s not fucking true.” It’s still aggressive, but his voice is more hushed and less biting. 

Billy’s eyes stay focused on their clasped hands. Holding onto that feeling. The feeling as Steve’s words travel through his brain and connect. The feeling of validation as Steve continues to hold on. Refusing to let go. His warmth radiating off of him and into Billy as the force to make his words stick. To make them stay. 

“Okay.” 

It’s all he can think to say. But it’s not enough for Steve.

“I need to hear you say it Billy. I need to know that you believe it.” Steve pulls Billy into a hug, gently combing his fingers through the hair on the back of his head. “Tell me you’re still a man.” It’s just a whisper in his ear. 

“I’m still a man.” It’s voiceless. Coming out with just his exhale. But it’s all that was needed. 

“You’re still a man.” Steve copies. “And you’re fucking beautiful. And those things don’t contradict each other.”

Billy just squeezes him tighter. Clinging to the feeling that the word brings him. Clinging to Steve. Clinging to the feeling that Steve’s love gives him. Melting into him. Breathing him in like he’s the last remaining oxygen left on earth. 

“I know it’s hard, baby. But you have got to start loving yourself. It hurts me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just let me in, okay. I’m here to stay.”

_ I’m here to stay. _

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

_ I promise. _

“No more holding back around me, okay?”

Steve’s pressing kisses to the space behind his ear with every sentence and Billy just sits there with eyes shut and his heart pounding out of his chest. 

“No more holding back.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr: [mourntheantagonist](https://mourntheantagonist.tumblr.com)
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated <3


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